Sell your Soul? Or lose your Love?

Go to Part 1.

Last time out, we started exploring one of life’s shitty choices…

A choice that we’re faced with all too often.

And that we force upon the people that we love.

We talked about expression and need.

And what happens when we grow…

And how we create unintentional traps in our relationships.

If you don’t remember, go back and read that one first.

Because we’re going to jump in right where we left off…

Intimacy and Ultimatums

We all know what it’s like to be denied intimacy.

To have something stirring inside you…

And feel that insistent tugging on your soul…

To need to connect and share those deeper parts of yourself…

Only to be faced with rejection and disinterest in return.

It’s a terrible, and terribly familiar feeling…

And yet, we rarely recognize it when we create that same feeling within the people that we love.

Every time we refuse to connect…

Every time we greet passion with disinterest…

Every time we get angry at our partner for trying to connect intimately with someone else…

We’re leaving them with a choice.

And it’s that last example that really does it…

Love and commitment make for a troublesome combination when it comes to intimacy.

Or at least, they do when we stumble into them unconsciously.

Which, we pretty much always do.

Commitment is such an ingrained facet of our culture, that we rarely stop and question what it means…

Or what it truly involves.

It’s just what you do when you love someone…

Love and intimacy and commitment are a package deal.

And we get very uncomfortable when we’re faced with our partners being intimate with anyone else.

And I’m not just using intimacy as a surrogate term for sex here…

Sex and intimacy are two very different things.

Just ask anyone who’s been betrayed by a partner whose primary defense is, “but I swear, we never had sex!”

(Men tend to be particularly clueless about this one.)

Betrayal is never about the sex.

It’s about the outside intimacy.

And that’s a shitty situation all the way around…

Because we need to connect.

And when we won’t do it… We put our partners in a bind.

Sell their soul? Or lose their love?

Which really, truly sucks!

Because we aren’t trying to be mean…

We aren’t trying to put them in a bind.

We just don’t want to lose what we have!

And that’s where we go weird with commitment…

We use commitment as a prophylactic against fear and jealousy.

We use it to feel safe.

And the safety part… that part is fine!

Safe is good when we can find it!

The problem is that, like most unquestioned conventions, it’s all very self-serving…

I’ll commit because I want to feel safe, and I want to feel secure. And I don’t want to feel jealous.

I don’t need anyone else.

So I want to commit to lock it in.

But if I step outside of my own self-centered perspective…

And consider what my commitment means from my partner’s point of view…

It tells a very different story.

The True Meaning of Commitment

Anytime we ask someone we love, to not be intimate with someone else, we’re taking on a responsibility.

Intimacy is a need.

Expression is a need.

We need to become… and share what we’ve become.

So when we ask our partners to not have their needs met by someone else—we’re volunteering to do it.

Which is not how we tend to think about it!

We think about our own needs when committing, but not so much about our responsibilities.

And that’s really where this whole mess gets started…

Sell your soul… Lose your love… It’s all rooted in glossing over responsibility in our relationships.

Well, that, and our inability to speak up, and ask for what we need…

We all have needs that need to be met.

But commitment is more about responsibility.

We have to own that.

We have to understand our needs.

And understand our partner’s needs.

(And then actually communicate them!)

How else can we truly commit, if we don’t even know what we’re committing to?

This is one area where non-monogamous circles tend to handle relationships better than the more traditional majority…

Polyamorous… Swinger… Kinky… Whatever…

The rules are more flexible in those circles, and that means that everyone has to actually talk about it…

Consciously decide what the rules and needs and expectations are going to be.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone should become non-monogamous…

Monogamy is just as valid a choice as any other.

But I am saying that the rules of monogamous commitments can’t be assumed either.

Any more than the non-monogamous ones can.

And that doesn’t just mean communicating up front, and then setting the relationship on autopilot.

That doesn’t work.

People change.

You can’t just—love someone—and expect them not to grow!

That’s what it fucking does!!

And that’s why commitment is such a bitch…

Because we’re committing to a moving target.

We’re taking responsibility for the needs of the people we love…

Knowing, that that very love, will make them grow, and change—and develop new needs…

Which we will then be responsible to meet!

(That’s where compatibility comes in: it’s much easier to do your part if you’re compatible… If you aren’t, you’ll have to expend a lot more effort to live up to your obligations.)

And the harsh truth is: we’ll never be able to do all of it.

We’ll never line up on everything.

Different people… Different passions… Different paths…

We can step aside and insert our self-worth…

“But I should be enough,” we say.

Sorry to break it to you… but you’re not.

Nobody is.

People have needs.

We need to grow and explore and connect, and share those precious parts of ourselves.

And our partners have needs too.

And none of us meets those needs, simply by existing.

We have to connect and engage, and share ourselves back.

We have to honor our responsibilities.

And be willing to allow space and freedom where we can’t.

Commitment can’t always be about safety.

Sometimes we have to grow too.

Find courage and security in ourselves.

Nerdy side-note: my level of “in”security is in direct proportion to how much outside intimacy I need to deny my partner, in order for me to feel secure..

Yes, it’s scary…

But if we commit, purely out of fear…

And a desire for safety…

Then our relationship is doomed anyway.

Whether to misery or mediocrity… it is doomed.

Because, in our pursuit of safety, we will inevitably grow and wither…

Bound at the root.

Or settle into some sinister, comfortable stagnation…

Where we never grow at all.

Faced again and again, with the same ultimatum.

It’s just the way it is…

Love isn’t Safe

And trying to make it safe, only makes it temporary.

Know who you are.

Know what you need.

Be vulnerable.

Express and expose yourself, and tell your partner what you need.

Talk to the people you love!

Commit consciously.

Understand your partner’s needs.

And meet them.

Own up to your responsibilities…

Or else give them the freedom they need, to meet those needs with someone else.

So you can both grow together.

And if you can’t…

If you can’t meet their needs—and you can’t afford them that freedom…

Then own what you are asking!

Be extra vulnerable…

Say, “Oh god, I’m so scared and I’m so sorry. And I know what this means…

But I don’t think I can do this for you… And I’m too scared to let you go.

Because I’m afraid that if you connect that way with someone else, then you won’t want to be with me anymore…

And I don’t want to lose you!”

Own your fear.

And share it with them.

Own your ultimatum.

And work it through together.

Maybe all you need are baby steps and time…

Maybe there’s another solution…

You’ll never know if you don’t work through it.

And if they won’t work it through…

If they won’t listen, or open up, or be vulnerable in return….

If your needs can’t be met.

Then I’m so, so sorry…

Life can be absolutely shitty sometimes.

And you’ve got a choice to make.