Following up on the idea that spirituality isn’t about being happy all the time, let’s talk about intentionally leaving happiness behind…
We’re all familiar with the idea that our souls will—if we listen—lead us in the right direction.
Forward and onward, towards a life of purpose and transformation.
But what do you do when the way ahead is shut?
When the best direction you can take, is behind you?
When is suffering the right choice?
We’ve all been there…
Trapped… Going in circles…
Feeling like you can’t move forward…
You know you aren’t in the right place. But you don’t know how to change things.
Maybe it’s something small… Like a project. Or an obligation. Or a disagreement with a friend.
Maybe it’s something big… Like your career. Or your relationship. Or your whole damn life.
Either way, it can put you into a place where you need to make some uncomfortable decisions.
And sometimes our expectations about life and spirituality can make things even harder…
This last year has been a difficult one for me.
I had to start over in almost every way.
I left my home… My friends… My animals..
And a marriage that, I finally had to admit, was never going to change.
It took me a long time to work up the courage to do it…
Because I didn’t want to give up.
Because I knew how much I’d leave behind.
Because I knew how hard it would be…
But I also knew that it was the right choice.
And that, as much as I would suffer, I would eventually be in a much better place.
It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
And I never would have made it if I had expected the world to hand me an easy answer.
The Promise of Painless Transformation
Popular spirituality likes to send the message that there’s always a happy way out. That there’s always a peaceful transition.
That the right path will always lead us to greater joy and fulfillment…
I get it. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear that??
It gives us hope. And throws a warm blanket on our fears.
And in general, I actually agree with the part about greater joy and fulfillment…
But just because the future holds promise, doesn’t mean that the path is always upwards.
Just because we continue to grow, doesn’t mean that the transformation will be painless.
Sometimes there is no peaceful transition.
And the more we look for one—the more we wait for the upward path—the longer we stay stuck in the places we don’t belong.
We may be desperate. We may be despondent. But we stick around anyway…
Because the alternative looks even worse.
So we stay.
And the longer we wait, the worse it gets…
We know what we want our life to look like.. Our souls whisper, and sing, and pull towards the horizon.
And eventually that vision becomes it’s own source of pain, because we tell ourselves that there’s just no way to get there.
That we don’t know what to do.
But that’s the thing…
More often than not, we do.
We know how to get there.
We just know how much it’s going to suck!
One step back. Two steps forward.
Sometimes you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward.
Sometimes you have to choose the path that you know is going to hurt…
It’s not about giving up.
It’s not about saying “fuck it!” and stomping on the gas in a race for rock bottom.
It’s about making the difficult choice…
Taking the path that you know is going to knock you on your ass, and leave you bruised and bloody…
But ultimately lead you to where you need to go.
You have to weigh the risks. Decide when to leap.
And then let yourself fall.
Don’t take the spiritual bypass.
Don’t just stuff your fears and repeat your affirmations.
Take the hits life gives you.
Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself suffer.
You’ll survive.
You can take a lot more punishment than you think.
(This is the part where I get a hundred outraged emails from all the “spiritual” people who have risen above negative emotions and let go of lower vibrations..)
You just don’t want to linger once the suffering becomes sticky…
The Fine Art of Suffering
There’s a point when we stop feeling our pain and start wallowing in it.
When we quit resting in fear. And start hanging on it.
When we take hold of the pain, and drive ourselves deeper.
That’s when it’s time to stop.
That’s when it’s time to break out the visualizations and focus on the bigger picture.
Find a distraction. Get out and move.
It’s not an easy balance…
You’ll slip one way; then the other.
Just keep going.
Bear the pain for a while. Then take a break and rise above it. Then back in again.
Back and forth—but always forward.
Don’t wait and hide behind the promise of painless transformation.
Sometimes the only way up, is down.
So, if you’re feeling stuck… Like you have no way out…
Ask yourself what you’d do if you weren’t afraid to fall.
Do you know what needs to be done?
Are you just scared to make the leap?
Ask yourself how hard it’s going to be.
Remember your soul’s vision. Remember what’s at stake.
And then ask yourself, is it worth it?
No promises. No spiritual safety nets.
Just courage. And a shot at something better…
We never know how things will turn out.
But I think that most of the time our souls are screaming for the chance—not the end result.
And that the pain of not trying is far worse than when things don’t pan out the way we hoped…
When I moved to the mountains to begin it all again, it was every bit as difficult as I imagined.
I was lonely and scared and isolated.
I had no guarantee that things would work out the way I wanted.
And for about 8 months, I took far more hits than wins.
But eventually things turned around…
I found new adventures, and new opportunities. A new home. New friendships. New passion, and new love.
(And new courage… Because if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything!)
Even though I can never replace the things that I lost—my life has changed for the better in almost every conceivable way.
And none of it would have happened if I hadn’t been willing to let go, and go backwards.
Anyway…
Something to consider if you’re stuck and can’t see the way forward…
It’s never an easy decision. And it’s never fun.
But sometimes suffering is the best, most rewarding choice you’ll ever make.
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In any case, thanks so much for stopping by! – \m/ – Z
About Zach Herbert
I teach people to do cool things with their consciousness, and break their brains with beautiful ideas.
Professional heretic. Unlikely mystic. Host to rebels, misfits and independent thinkers.
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I could not agree with you more! What you described above is exactly where I am right now!! I definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel! It takes a lot of courage and reflection to make the right decision to head into suffering in order to achieve an INCREDIBLE transformation for the better. Thank you!!
I believe that suffering is actually the only way to spiritual growth; there is no way to bypass this part of the process. We can forestall change and growth by not following that inner voice that tells us it is time to move, to transform. We will do this out of fear of the unknown, or simply out of laziness or an unwillingness to shake up the status quo.. We become comfortable in our little niches and won’t make a break out of our cocoon until that inner voice becomes a thundering din; until the cognitive dissonance between what we desire for ourselves and what our current reality is becomes so uncomfortable that we are forced to change. If we are especially fearful and resistant,
God, or the Universe, or whatever you want to call your spiritual force will provide you with a swift enough kick in the ass to get you moving. The pain and suffering just become more unbearable than the fear of the change, and so, we evolve to a higher state of being.
I’m completely floored that after searching countless websites for the last 2 years I would find people like me! My entire life I’ve never been able to fit the mold that society wanted me to be, so it’s like a blast of cool fresh spring water to trip over this group of individuals! I came to realize earlier this year that suffering wasn’t necessarily a bad thing to go through, and I’ll be completely honest here..I found myself actually welcoming the suffering. Soaking it in and really reflecting on the situation at hand. Hell..I moved all the way out to the desert because the universe showed me signs in sets of 3! And with me always living next to the Pacific ocean, the desert wasn’t very appealing to me. I now have lived in las Vegas for close to 3 months now and from the moment I got here it’s been an uphill climb that I was pretty Damn close to saying “fuck this! I quit” , and throwing in the towel. But I always recall a wise clerk lady at check into cash who told me my first week here that “Vegas will either make you or break you, there is no in between”. I never expected that to stick in my head and latch on with a vice grip, because that is a huge reason why I decided to stay. The Little things in your life can make a substantial difference later on, and in Times of suffering it’s those little things I look for throughout my day. A white butterfly, a song on the radio, the cashier at the grocery store, the billboard sign on the freeway or even the random stranger in passing who blesses you with Crystals because he saw you rock hunting. I push on because of the little things in Times of transformation..because those could be just some of the most tremendous gifts ever received and I never would have known had I “played it safe”.
Greetings to the rebels
They Called her the wandering spirit
for she had no place she could call home
she floated about from here to there
A gypsy off dancing on her own
This is just what I needed to read right now. The light of the stars shines bright around me through light years of enveloping vacuum. I take slivers of encouragement from their light, just to know they’re there, though they seem so far away. All I need do is persist, my inertia inevitable, falling through this trajectory, wilful prey to the gravity of the light I was born to.
I live for those slivers of light also.
what about the suffering of the person you left behind …? don’t they also matter ? Sometimes staying and being humble and working it out is even harder ..
Thank you, Rose. I was one of those left behind and given “a box of darkness”. We suffered through no choice of our own, compounded in our case (my teenage children and me) through being discarded without warning. Thus new life experiences taken with trepidation and the feeling of worthlessness felt like an endless trek through Hell. It took a long time to discover the gift in unsolicited suffering and even now a decade on moments of grief can still undo us. To anyone thinking of moving on from a marriage/long relationship and established family the gift of forewarning and some explanation to those being left would be a priceless gem. Thank you again Rose, I felt a depth of compassion in your comment and am grateful for it.
So beautiful. Romantic. (Embarrassed to say this, but it’s even been…erotic…?) Suffering is actually tasting sweet to me in going through the darkness, finding the courage to open my eyes and see forward. I might be required to do many things that I was told I should never do, that would send me to hell, or that would make me a fundamentally different person than my old foundation had made me. I’ve felt terrified and completely out of control of my life, my soul. But I know life on the other side is amazing. Completely beyond current comprehension.
Congratulations on making that leap! Thank you for sharing your process, your vulnerability and finally, the outcome that affirms that, in the end, it was worth dancing with the fears, dealing with the losses and making some damn difficult choices. Sad but true, so often it seems pain is the great motivator. I have wished that we could choose to change rather than wait until some cosmic dynamite blasts our asses to do what needs done but the latter is often the case. Thanks for talking truth about the “happiness cult”. Spent more years than I care to think being miserable because I wasn’t “happy” all the time as the cultists would have us believe is our birthright (gagging). Sometimes being miserable is what finally initiates some long needed changes. Thank you for your willingness to acknowledge that amidst what is bound to be a backlash!