So there’s this thing that happens, as you get wiser and deeper and more and more awesome…
You become more capable of connecting.
You explore. You grow. You change.
Life kicks your ass (repeatedly) around the room. The way life does…
You discover your true passion and purpose…
And all of those things create layers of complexity and depth.
Layers that you can share with other people.
But…
And here’s the shitty part…
All that awesomeness you’ve been building also makes you different.
And so it gets harder and harder to find people to connect with.
Because we all get deeper in our own unique way.
And that creates a frustrating dilemma…
As you get deeper—your circle of friends gets smaller.
Alone, together.
When you’re young and in school, you have lots of people to interact with.
With lots of things in common.
Because you’re all just getting started.
And you’re still less awesome than you will be…
Even when you’re different, you can usually find a clique of friends who feel the same way.
And you can all be different together…
And when your interests are too diverse for one clique—you just join more.
As many crowds as it takes to stay connected.
And yet—no matter how many crowds you run with—as you grow, you grow apart.
You get married, or have kids, or build a career, or live through difficult times…
You travel and explore. Discover the passions you couldn’t have even imagined when you were young…
And every new layer has the potential to be one less thing you have in common.
One less thing you can share with the crowd.
Of course, you can still connect in the old ways…
Laugh and reminisce… Hit the old hangouts…
But the whole point of developing all those new awesome parts is that you want to share those!
And so your circle of friends diminishes.
It happens to everyone…
The result is that loneliness has become one of the defining traits of our culture.
So how do we fix it?
How do we reconnect?
Well that’s easy…
We just need to find more friends so that we’ll be more connected!
And how do we do that?
We empower ourselves with technology, stay in contact, and focus on the things we have in common!
And how do we do that?
We get shallow.
Wait… What?
Okay, so that’s not actually a solution.
But it is the fashionable response.
We grow deeper… Drift away from friends… Crave contact…
And the easiest way to make contact is through the things we have in common with the greatest number of people…
Which are—by definition—the shallowest aspects of ourselves.
And so we gravitate into social circles (and social media trends) based around simple principles…
Like religion, or sports, or political campaigns.
Simple beliefs, simple values, simple slogans…
They all make it easy to come together, and to find something in common.
All it takes is: Go team! And we’re back in contact!
Except that that doesn’t solve the problem…
Because what we’re craving is deeper contact.
Not just more…
But that kind of contact doesn’t fit in a social media meme.
And all of the standard outlets—the religions, the sports, the politics—none of them lend themselves to deep.
Or to being different.
Because as soon as you start digging beneath the surface…
Questioning why a particular belief exists… Or if the status quo should change… Or how a slogan translates into the real world…
Or, god forbid, inquiring into the merits of other teams…
Then all the differences start to pop up again.
And suddenly you’ve got splits and schisms everywhere…
And you need new communities to accommodate the differences.
Until you start digging deeper into those, and the whole process begins again…
It’s the grand, cosmic fucking joke of personal growth and connection:
- Growth enables, and demands, deeper connection.
- Connection demands community.
- But growth creates differences.
- And communities are based on the things we have in common.
It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking frustrating and sad.
Would be, that is, until you throw technology in the mix.
And then the whole thing becomes downright hilarious…
Because technology makes everything better.
And technology makes everything worse.
It’s made it so much easier to move and grow and explore.
Opened so many doors, and exposed us to so many different perspectives.
And given us the tools to reach out to anyone, anywhere around the world.
Personal growth has become so much easier.
Communication has become so much easier.
But easier communication doesn’t lead to deeper communication.
(Why talk when we can text?)
The net effect is that, as we’ve grown deeper, our connections have become shallower.
We may have friends all over the world…
But we’re lonelier now than ever.
So what’s to be done?
Well, it’s a bit of an experiment…
But I still think that spirituality can play a role in solving the dilemma.
It’s just going to take a different kind of spirituality…
And a different kind of community.
In the past, spirituality and religion have always been about finding a group of people who share the same values and beliefs.
(At least, the community aspect has.)
Basically, if you found a religion you could buy into, then you found a community by default.
But that only lasts as long as everyone buys into the same story and vision…
Start asking too many questions—or following your own dreams and desires—and you’re right back on the outs again.
The same thing applies to the whole spiritual-but-not-religious movement…
It’s a little more flexible than organized religion…
It still doesn’t allow anywhere near the variety of personal styles and ambitions that it would take to accommodate all of us.
We need something more universal.
Now, people have tried building universal spiritual communities before…
Around concepts like love and compassion and acceptance.
Simple principles…
But that just reinforces our dilemma.
The love and understanding and acceptance part is great.
It just isn’t enough.
We also need a way to share the deep, complex experiences and ambitions that only come with growth and exploration.
We need a way to share the awesome parts that make us different.
And that’s where Open Source Spirituality comes in.
The idea is to give you the tools to grow and explore.
To discover who YOU really are.
To be vulnerable and brave and authentic in ways you’d never even dreamt.
And have all the experiences that are available to you…
Not just a few that are endorsed by a particular tradition.
Because your goals and dreams and destinations are always up to you.
YOU choose what to make of your life.
What to make of YOU…
Not me. Not your friends. Not your family. Not your past. Not some ancient fucking religion.
YOU.
But that’s not the experiment…
That part works for sure.
The experiment is creating a new kind of community.
See, giving you the tools to grow and explore is going to change you.
It’s going to create layers of depth and complexity and experience that you’ll want to share.
And that’s going to make you different.
Even moreso than you already are.
So we can’t create a community around a common destination.
Because there is no common destination.
But all those tools you use to travel and transform?
They don’t just help you change and grow…
They also help you share the awesome new parts of yourself.
To connect and communicate the things you’ve learned.
To understand how you’ve changed—and how I’ve changed—and how the two relate.
And so even though you’re going to journey someplace completely different from me…
And pursue dreams and destinations and subtleties of self that are yours and yours alone…
We still have something in common…
A common language and toolset and framework for exploration.
And that lets us grow—and it lets us connect.
It dispels the paradox of community and connection.
An unlikely tribe of rebels, misfits and independent thinkers.
The idea comes from the modern Open Source communities.
Programmers and builders and DIYers…
People who have completely different backgrounds. And completely different destinations.
But the Open Source framework gives them a way to connect and share their passions.
To explore and express and engage.
Even when—especially when—everyone is creating something different.
It’s a powerful new kind of community.
It’s just never been tried around spirituality and consciousness before.
So it’s an experiment…
And they will change you… And make you more awesome…
The question is whether or not we can all come together?
So that we don’t have to journey alone.
I think we can.
If you liked this post, please consider sharing, along with a brief comment of what you thought… It doesn’t sound like much. But these small gestures make a tremendous impact on building our community, and helping other wayward rebels find a perspective that they can resonate with.
And if it spoke to you, why not Join the Tribe? It's free.. And this is just one tiny piece of more than two decades of impassioned work...... And YOU probably belong here with the rest of us!!
In any case, thanks so much for stopping by! – \m/ – Z
About Zach Herbert
I teach people to do cool things with their consciousness, and break their brains with beautiful ideas.
Professional heretic. Unlikely mystic. Host to rebels, misfits and independent thinkers.
Find out more here. And follow me on Facebook at:
This certainly resonates with me, Zach…
I’m loving this stuff Zach. Right up my alley. My experience has been exactly as this article suggests. The three camps that tear up my hopes of connecting are; down-to-earth-ism (lol), naturalism & mysticism. It’s like somehow I’ve raised cats, dogs and mice together to where they all love each other when they’re not supposed to. Yet it isn’t really like that as these are all facets of my own capacity, they contrast and complement each other despite their differing modes of being. Anyways, love your stuff. Thanks for putting yourself out there!
Yep! The choices we’ve been given just don’t accommodate the variety. But I think the whole zoo can work together if we go deep enough! 🙂
As I’ve grown older, I find that my “community” consists of individuals from different and non-overlapping groups who share my loves of honest communication and acceptance of (and interest in) differences. I’ve introduced these friends from various groups, and although they usually get along, they rarely click with each other. And yes, my experience of this is one of loneliness. I feel so fortunate to have these people in my life and to be able to have amazing bonds and one-on-one conversations of exploration, sharing and growth — I know that many people do not have even this. And yet…the lack of a community with a common thread, one in which all members interact with each other — I feel it keenly. Truth be told, I have felt it my entire life with the exception of my college years. For me, what you speak of is more the norm of my lifetime rather than an aberrant development associated with age and awesomeness. =) So indeed — I liked your post, as usual!
It’s the same with me. I still have several non-overlapping groups of friends. I wish I could bring all of them together! But without a common thread, it just doesn’t click..
Wow Zach! I’m overjoyed to find you and your site – it feels like I’m reading so many of my own thoughts that I’ve never been fully able to express! Well, I suppose I’ve always been able to – but what’s the point? Who can I tell, *really*? There are so few people in my world who I believe would truly ‘get’ it. Many of my friends are highly intelligent, conscious and what seems like ‘awake,’ but not many actually share an openess to new horizons…does that make sense? Of course it does! Hence you and your totally awesome website! So I send you many thanks for taking the time and effort to share your experiences, insights and vision with your tribe (of which I now consider myself one of) and I’m really looking forward to this journey. Namas-fucking-te my friend! 🙂
Are there discussion forums or connections with others in the tribe available? This has seemed to be more than I could hope for. I want to meet other absolutely irreverent deviant awesomes.
Not yet, but there will be soon! Lots of big things are coming in the next few months!!
So this is the last entry I’ve read, after reading through (almost?) all of your posts on the site. And it did shed some light on the questions that developed while consuming the other material, which mainly boiled down to: Okay, what exactly are you proposing? Where or what are you suggesting, now that we’ve come this far (in catching your various, well-presented, drifts)?
A couple of thoughts, first. I disagree with the idea that connection demands community. No doubt that is the way of it for the majority of humans, that makes sense. However it certainly doesn’t hold true for some of us (though I’m not insinuating here that you were portraying it as an absolute fact).
You hit all the main points in this topic, which is great. Ya, it’s frakking frustrating as all hell, almost a cosmic joke! We grow, we differentiate, we become isolated, which in most can hinder further growth. The Higher, the Fewer! But I was itching to see what you had to offer up, after indulging your readers so with all this great information.
I gotta say, it’s not as quacky as I was expecting, therefore I’m (happily) not utterly disappointed. (Like please, no more fucking hippie dippie, love and light, utopian commune ideas)!! :p I think you’re onto something with the notion that technology is key here. Ah, the internet – the great equalizer! Forums and such would be a great start. Get the information, the knowledge, UPG, theories, inspiration, etc. flowing first and then see where it leads. So ya, I think you’re onto something, right on dude. Looking forward to the next part of your experiment.
Even though technology and social media might make us more shallow, without them I couldn’t have found my way here. This article addresses the misfit tragedy of my life and how it has been culminated during the last years. The deeper I go, the less there are people with whom I can connect. Feels so relieving to read that it’s just how it goes. Accepting it is not necessarily an easy part.
I’ve noticed that the more conscious I become of my own differences and my needs for connecting on deeper levels, the clearer I see that most people are not a good match for me. Feels a bit cocky to say that more people seem to consider me as a good match for them. I guess it’s because I can connect with myself on quite deep level and others can reflect themselves at the same depth while they are with me. But if they haven’t done as much work digging deep in themselves, they are a probably more shallow than me. And then I cannot connect with them on as deep level. There’s a wall in there where I would like to go further.
To recognize the whole pattern helps me to become more picky. When I decide not to hang out with people with whom I cannot connect in a way that would be nourishing for me, I decide to be on my own instead. That’s how I keep the room open for those who are a better match for me. And they do come. It seems like the universe is testing how good can I stand it. This is also a question of self worth to let me be open for deeper connections.
Thank you again for this amazing and truly inspiring article!
Spot on. Thank you for this article. I was trying to communicate the very thing to a friend who was saying that she just couldn’t seem to gt along with people and feeling like it was all her fault. Nope, said I….sometimes it is NOT all on you as so much of the new=agey mumbo jumbo likes to imply. We are taught to agree, the compromise, to “play nice”, not rock the boat, etc. When we don’t, the people around us get antsy and don’t want to play with us anymore. We might make them uncomfortable, we might make them look at their, long-held, cherished beliefs and that gets real uncomfortable. We can certainly choose to acquiesce and go back to being the people=pleasing, self-effacing, easy to get along with characters we once were but at what cost? So, thanks for stating the dilemma so eloquently.
I could resonate with your article and a friend directed me to you. My poor friend is my sounding board for all of good and bad things happening to me at this point of my life. People tell me I have a least a few books I could write about my experiences. Of course the problem is that I do not feel up to the task as my professors told me I could not write? Well probably not like they thought I should anyway. LOL
Anyways I am that square peg that that does not fit in the circle. I like to say we are all in a different space in consciousness, because we all have different experiences. So mostly I think outside the box in many areas that people think that I am a smart ass and to that I say better than being a dumb ass.
So out of my loneliness and isolation I knowingly allow people to take advantage of me. Even though I call them a trixter to their face, so they know I know what they are up to. Then of course they get upset with me because they do not want to know the truth according to me.LOL
I have a history of losing my family and friends for many reasons that have lead me to old age. So to cut this short I want to know more. Thank you for lighting a spark.
I’ve been to hell and heaven. Been to the end of the world and it kept on spinning. I’m sure many of you have too. Fears and casual smile accompany me wherever I go now. I know that community is needed in my journey for balance. The middle path blargh! Saddled with mental illness diagnosis I have pills to reign in my mind. The universe really is ill usion. I can share my experiences with your community. It’s a story of over connection, isolation, and disconnect. Much love to all the misfits! Because in the end that is what it’s all about. It’s the journey that occasionally sucks ass. (Figuratively)